Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Scrooge McDuck: Closet freak

Scrooge beckoning the dancers
After watching 20 episodes of Duck Tales, I'm on to Scrooge's game.  "I got your number, Scrooge".  Anyone ever notice that he keeps small bills?  Hmm?  Anyone notice that anytime Scrooge is nudged even slightly, he makes it rain?  Why, you ask?  Because Scrooge stays ready for the strip club, that's why.

First of all, Scrooge is a sucker for the dames.  Whether it's Millionaira or Goldy, he gets gaga about the girls.  Even with Magica da Spell, he was for sure doing things with her before she smoked one too many cigarettes and had a few too many Piroskis and turned babushka.

And what kind of zillionaire has a dime as his favorite coin?  And a money bin filled with one dollar bills and nickels?   The kind that doesn't want to get caught changing twenties for ones, that's what kind.  After getting caught red handed, the only way to really have a penchant for strip clubs uncovered is with the bank records.  He doesn't pay his employees well, and he knows that as soon as an accountant finds the money trail leading to the ATM at centerfolds, it's speed dial to the enquirer.  Scrooge got rich being smarter than the smarties and tougher than the toughies.  Ergo, he keeps the small bills ready.

Showing the kids how to make it rain
Tell me he's not permanently ready for the strip club, with a damn top hat and cane?  Ever notice how handy he is with that cane?  Falling out of a chopper?  Cane on the skid.  Going overboard on a boat?  Cane on the flagpole.  You think he can't lassoo a stripper with that thing?  Must be crazy.  And what good uncle wouldn't take his duck-middle school kids to the club and show them how to tip frugally to get the most bang for the buck?  A sorry kind.  Not Scrooge.  They're always going on trips together, no matter how perilous, because the kids have acquired a diverse palette for strippers.  They love the women of the world.  (Gotta do it.  Sorry.)

So, we've got rapist skunks, pimpin vampires on Sesame street, and closet freaks like Scrooge, canvassing the streets for another place to make it drizzle with ones, dimes, and nickels.  I'm not knocking it.  I'm just saying.

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