Thursday, February 10, 2011


In between filling out my millionth application and whoring myself out as a writer, I flipped the TV on.  It would seem that in addition to the Qubo night owl, there is also the old staple 'Cops' on regular, no cable TV.  There's a few observations here for those of us who may find ourselves in a compromising situation.  On the wrong side of the law, as it were.  And a couple suggestions for our law enforcement officers and legislatures.

A common theme on cops, apart from wife beaters, hookers, crack, snaggle teeth, beer, confusion, cross dressing, pimping, mustaches, mustaches, and mustaches, are the lies.  I've literally seen cops on the show pull crack out of someone's ass and the guy would respond, "that's not mine".  Really?  Someone snuck some crack up your crack when you were preoccupied with the Dow?  Too busy on e trader to notice the bag of crack shoved up your ass?  But the cop will entertain the notion.  Beware.  All the way to the back of the squad car, the perp is placated by the cops sympathetic sounding banter.  "Oh really?  Man that's tough.  It's ok man, we'll get you all squared away.  Just wanna ask you a few questions.  Of course that crack wasn't yours." 

This is not particularly helpful, because if you get caught with crack, you're kinda screwed anyway.  But when lying to the cops, you have to do so with finesse.  You have to plan ahead for the plausible deniability.  Stick the crack to the undercarriage of your car with bubble gum.  "Uhh, hmmm.  I don't know officer, I must have run over a crackhead who was chewing gum, blew a bubble and tried to pop it with his crack hand.  I don't see him anywhere to press charges against me.  Mind if I take that crack to show my friends?  This story is so wild they'll never believe it if I don't show up with the crack."  You get let off with a warning to drive more carefully, because cops know that crack heads can spontaneously show up in the street, so they won't really get that mad at you.  And you get to keep your crack.  All because you planned ahead.

Cops in Mother Russia is on right now.  Quick tip to our cops.  If you want to reduce crime, make sure that when you arrest someone-whether for drunk in public or possession of nuclear fissile material-make sure their head hits each and every solid object between the spot where you arrest them and place you put them.  Also, strip them naked and bind them with leather or rubber straps.  Don't forget to mix in the club the instant they open their mouth, even to yawn.  It seems that it worked as a decent deterrent behind the Iron Curtain.  Let us not discount communism out of hand just because of a flub here and there.  When it comes to crowd control and pacifying the masses, no one does it better.

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