Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Impersonating Indians (the feather kind)

Sup guys, just another Injun like you
Ok, so I have an idea.  It turns out that with a little Indian, or 'Native' blood, there are some pretty sweet perks.  A few friends of mine got their college paid for because they are 1/32 some injun tribe that no one ever heard of.  And there was a rumor about this chick that got like 20 G's a month for being part of a better tribe or something.  When I had a mohawk, my name was Chief Smackajo.  The wheels started turning and an idea was born.

So I get decked out like a real native, and just crash a meeting.  Just rain dance my happy ass up to the conference room and poke my bow and arrow through the partially opened door.  I have an arrow head I got from Sutter's Fort in 87 that has to be around somewhere.  Just take some leather shoe laces and tie it to a stick.  Think they'll respect that?  If I just show up at their meeting in some underwear and a head dress, and start sniping with obsidian arrows?

Then do a commando roll while they look at me in their business suits like "Uh John, is this one of your drunk brother's kids?" and I hop up chanting?  Explain to them in broken English like a John Wayne movie that I'm chief Smackajo, and have come out of the woods like a Japanese World War Two vet like "hey guys, when did the war end?"  Just not missing a beat and doing Indian things with the local Indians at the Casino, taking armfulls of chips like I'm gonna decorate my head dress with it and head straight to the cashier?  Think that would work?  Just walk in with like fifteen toupees on a length of twine like they're scalps?

Then I could just pillage the cocktail waitress help and snag a squaw or two like it's still pre-revolution.  Just coochie gankin girls with a tan named Debbie, putting them over my shoulder like they're Pocahontas and running around the place wild eyed and on a mission.  Just a thought.  It might just be crazy enough to work.


Peter Anderson said...

if i werent 1/56th iroquois, this woulda been hella funny and not offensive at all. especially the part about wigs on a string. whitey.

Cwatts said...

Ha. Actually it's totally offensive either way, but I got the go ahead from a friend who is a whole half. We call him Tonto. Sadly, I'm being kinda serious. I have to make Jew jokes about myself to make it even.