Saturday, June 2, 2012

Taking sludge to new depths of viscosity

Ya, so I've pretty much been an on and off coffee drinker since I was ten years old.  Tastes good.  Sometimes gives me a little pep.  Rarely have I needed it for any productive reason.  I've hardly considered caffeine a drug, though Pablo Castellanos' dad declared to me that his kids weren't allowed it.  Because it's a drug.  I said, "huh?  How is that? (I was like twelve when this happened)"  He said, "It's a stimulant.  It gives you energy."  I said, "Ya.  So.  So does sugar.  Pfft."  Had him stumped.  Anyway, as the night watch authority, I've been dipping into caffeinated goodness from time to time.

While I typically cream and sugar my coffee to the sweetness of Audrey Hepburn and lighten it accordingly, I've been drinking coffee black since being on the boat.  Figured I'd give the being a man thing a try.  So, during last season I drank the coffee the galley guys made and it was just fine.  Well, I don't know what the ratio is or should be between grounds and water.  We all know I'm an excess kind of guy, so I filled the filter with coffee and added a standard pot of water, or thereabouts.

So I knew my coffee was blacker than an ace of spades.  What I didn't know was that it was impervious to cream.  If I failed to mention it, I only drink my black coffee cold so I can slug it down.  For sure not gonna sip some acrid black coffee hot only to prolong my suffering.  If it's cold, I can just shotgun it like it's...something you'd drink fast, cause I don't drink alcohol.  Much.

I put a conservatively estimated four tablespoons of dry creamer into an eight ounce cup mostly full of coffee.  This was seriously a non-dairy creamer snowstorm.  Couldn't even see the coffee beneath.  And I stirred it, waiting for the magical, Mr. Wizard like transformation into something matching mine or Audrey Hepburn's skin tone.  Ya, good luck with that.  More like Wesley Snipes.  My coffee went from Darth Vader to Wesley Snipes with absolutely no hope of even getting to Lionel Ritchie.

You gotta admit, that's an impressive feat of coffee strength.  And if you weren't paying attention, I made up like five units of measurement here.  We have the 'snow storm' of cream.  The blackness of 'an ace of spades'.  The lightening to any degree from "Hepburn, to Ritchie, to Snipes, to Vader".  Our yardstick of sweetness is again Hepburn.  Oh, and the transformation is Mr. Wizard.  Pfft.  I think the measuring standards people need me there to keep em in line.

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