Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Mascots, librarians, and autographs

Shortly after signing with the San Angelo Colts a few years back, I drew the short straw for a media appearance.  So we got on the plane for ESPN headquarters...I mean, we got on a truck and headed for an out of the way library in a modest country community.  Or village.  Or neighborhood.  I doubt this place was on any map not in crayon or a paper napkin.  But it existed alright.  And that was our destination.  The whatever town it was library.

So we saddle up with Sammy Juarez, the mascot girl with mascot uniform, myself, and someone else.  I think it was the big guy who was a catcher on the team, but worked concessions at the stadium or something.  So we get there and there are yard monsters everywhere.  Just kids as far as I cared to look and a few teacher/adult types to supervise the fun.  Apparently, in addition to signing autographs, we were also all squared away to play games with the kids.  Relay races on the grass when I'm coming off a hamstring injury.  Great idea.

Of course I didn't tell anyone with the club about my hamstring.  Nor did I tell them that I hadn't run, thrown, or hit in a month.  Not important here, but that was the scenario.  And we get inside and begin the introductions.  There are varying levels of excitement from the children and adults alike.  Some of these bad assed kids were like those little punks in Ghostbusters 2, saying they want He-Man...
Ok, I know that's the worst video I've posted, and I've had some bad ones, but it's the closest I could find without entering another search term.  So some of the kids are into it, but htis librarian lady is dialed into it.  She knows everything about the San Angelo colts.  And upon seeing the mascot, she pulled me aside.   I'm all excited to be playing ball and trying to feel the moment, so I enthusiastically jump on board her conspiratorial side session.

She whispered to me, looking over her shoulder to make sure we weren't over heard, "Hey, I know the secret."  I looked at her expectantly, waiting to hear about the pet cemetery or something.  Sensing that I wasn't privvy to this inside information, she further exposed this subterfuge, "You know, about the mascot."  She looked at me with self satisfaction.  I took a look around for the camera crew or whatever was in store for me.  She continued.  I was riveted now.  I wasn't gonna miss a thing.  Maybe the mascot girl was secretly hotter than she obviously was in the car?  Who knows?

I brought my head around to the librarian again.  Whatever was going on, I was clueless.  And then she put her cards on the table.  "I know it's a girl".  Ahhhh.  I see now.  She continued, "But I won't tell anyone.  The secret is safe with me."

Not because I was interested as much as because it seemed the logical course to take, I countered, "uhh, where did you learn this secret?"  The lady was still whispering, by the way, and she said, "I read it in the newspaper."

Don't worry, I didn't laugh at the time.  Partially because I was in shock, and waiting for her to start laughing or otherwise indicate that this was an ironic statement.  Nope.  Nothing.  So I said, "Uhh, don't you think maybe someone else reads the paper too?"

This lady is an adult.  And a librarian.  She's an authority in the education of these yard monsters.  I mean, when they're confused about which volume to read in order to learn about the settling of the west, they turn to her.  She could be giving them mad magazine, or the onion, for all we know.  Someone tackle this lady, stat.  I saw the recognition spread across her slightly past middle age face.  It was a kind face that morphed from confusion, to recognition, to meltdown in like 8 seconds.  Yep, a legitimate bull ride is what it took for the revelation to dawn on her.  Looks like someone has been living in their own little book world too long.  Just constantly living in The Never Ending Story, oblivious to the storm or bullies outside, dusting herself off after yet another trip to the dumpster.

That was kind of mean, but in good fun.  I would not have posted it if she were the local librarian.  But that's funny as hell right?  My girl Jaz said something about a country bumpkin walking up to her and asking if she wanted to work the 'coon' light.  And Jazzy was the only black person in the room.  Maybe a Freudian slip?  Anyway, it made me think, a) about how our friendly neighbors in the south sometimes say the darndest things, and b) there is no chance that soliciting help in the operation of the 'coon' light was racist.  Just a friendly southerner trying to spread the love.  That's funny right?  A coon light?  Southerners love them some coon and catfish.  Does a coon light have dark circles under its eyes.  WTF is a coon light?


Peter Anderson said...

but was the librarian hot?

Cwatts said...

No. Decidedly not. I would have thought the same thing as you though if my experience were defined by searches on the internet. They were hot.

Jaz said...

Wow! That's hilarious! I can picture the dawning of realization on her face and I can't stop giggling.

Cwatts said...

Hahaha! It was your post that inspired me to recount that deal. She literally did and said everything how I reported it. I got weak at the time and am still getting weak now. I feel bad cause the lady was nice, but how dumb can you be. She thought she was getting like an encrypted memo from the CIA and things. I like hearing from you here Jaz.

Jaz said...

I'll stop by more often.

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