Saturday, January 14, 2012

Time for some rule changes?

Not trying to diss here.  I'm really not.  Everyone knows I love beauty queens.  My former boss was a beauty queen.  But you know what?  She was actually beautiful.  This picture here of Miss whatever isn't even close to the worse example I could find.  This is a merciful middle of the road representation, you know because if I singled out some of the more...less-than-noteworthy contestants, then it would be an obvious assault.  I'm not about assault, but come on.

Look, this isn't even Mrs. America or Granny America or high IQ America or USA or whatever.  It's Miss America.  Unmarried and basically the unlimited category.  Like top fuel dragsters.  This is supposedly the best thing going?  I didn't watch or anything so I could be missing something here-just saw it on Yahoo and clicked a few pictures.  But I seriously see better looking people on the streets, like waiting tables and stuff.  Even that hooker or whatever she was that I saw on the side of the road with 'visions of a motel' written on cardboard was better looking than some of these beauty queens?  I'm not even lying, my mom was better looking than these girls.

Had to do it.  She is Miss...some state

So look, it's kinda my bad for deciding to talk about this without a thorough concept being developed.  I know there's a long and proud history and there's more to it than looks blah blah blah.  "Did you see Debbie?  She can twirl a baton and she's so politically minded..."  Ya, whatever.  Sorry Rachelle.

Wouldn't it be better though if strippers entered this competition?  It would seriously be like when black kids started playing basketball during Jim Crow.  Got a bunch of white kids doing pick and rolls and pump fakes when the school that lets the black kids play has dudes just throwing down windmill jams going all Harlem Globetrotters.  I went and saw the Globetrotters once.  Phenomenal.  And not coincidentally it was with my black girlfriend at the time.  The same one who bought me a Raider's beanie.  And who coincidentally became a Raiderette.  Ah...the good old days.

So back to my point.  Strippers would dominate beauty pageants.  Ever talk to a stripper?  Most personable people you'll ever meet.  I saw one literally talk an unhinged and imbalanced man-who was just daring some chick to try to talk him out of a dance-out of like three dances.  Just showed up and charmed...well she actually charmed the pants off of herself and not him. Still charm though.

Might sound crazy, but that scholarship would be well served in the hands of a stripper.  I mean, like 98% of them are working their way through college.  Right?  I might have actually just stumbled onto a fantastic idea.  Me and Donald Trump could start the Miss night life pageant.  You know, classy.  I'm not talking about exotic routines, unless they decide that their best talent is exotic routines.  But evening gowns, modest swim suits, and even politically neutral stances on all the pressing issues.  "So, Sunshine, what would you do to eradicate hunger and homelessness?"  "World peace". Brilliant.

Seriously.  If you found out that this was on TV, would you not watch?  I'm not endorsing prurient behavior here, but just for the sake of argument.  If the best and most talented 'dancers' from each state got together in a no holds barred contest of pageantry and beauty, would you watch?  The answer is yes.  Those naughty girl work out videos are flying off the shelves and I haven't heard about any 'clubs' going out of business.  That's because housewives want to be 'dancers' and men want their housewives to be 'dancer-like'.  Move over sliced bread.  We have the best idea of the millennium here.

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