Monday, January 9, 2012

I respect wood

Just so you know, I respect wood.  Maybe it's cause I'm on the Indian Native American reservation.  The Lummi reservation.  Whatever the case, I was taking a fence down today.  And I was respectful of the wood.

It had to have been that, because tearing stuff asunder is one of the things I'm best at.  Ask me to tear a bathroom or kitchen apart and give me a sledge hammer and I'll have it knocked out before your smoke break is up.  But tearing this fence apart today was a different matter.  Literally turned a fifteen minute job into a four hour ordeal.  And I was happy to do so.

Rich "We need that fence taken down."

Me "How nice do you want me to be?"

Rich "Nice as you can be.  I'd like to keep the lumber.  That's good cedar."

Nuff said.  I morphed, and am morphing slowly into that Indian guy from the commercials in the 80's.  Remember that guy?
Since when is Kramer an Indian?  I don't know if the message makes up for the flagrant racism there.  Really?  We're gonna put a feather head dress on Kramer and throw him in a canoe like Hayawatha?  Whatever.  I kinda felt the pain he felt when one of the boards broke around the nail.  It was like Avatar, I was all hunched over the busted board, like, "I feel you brother and I thank you for your function as a fence, keeping that prick next door out of our yard.  Now you will go into the recycling center and make an excellent pencil or toothpick".  Then I threw it hastily into the busted wood pile.

And there were like 50 black widow nests between a couple of the boards.  And I saw a bunch of translucent baby black widows and felt like there were spiders crawling all over me and I was looking over my shoulder for the mama black widow to come liquify my insides with her poisonous bite.  And while we're on the subject of spiders crawling all over your body, don't let anyone talk you into smoking 'spice' from the tobacco shop.  If you don't know what it is, then disregard until you do.  If you're on the fence, seriously don't.  It's like how I'm sure angel dust was legal at some point but people had to start jumping off stuff and dancing naked in the streets before they figured out it was bad.  The word will be out on this stuff soon and unfortunately it will go from an unknown underground thing to a mass epidemic.  I've never done anything like pcp or crack or anything like that.  But I heard 'spice' will for sure, 100% obliterate any semblance of common sense and functionality.  For a good ten minutes you will be worthless and a danger to society.  I heard.

I respect wood.

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