Thursday, May 24, 2012

Calgon, take me away...

So the hot water heater is fixed.  Anyone remember that commercial?  Somehow I do.  It is becoming far too clear for comfort that my fixation with the eighties is unhealthy.  Yet the fact remains.  This about summed up my bathing experience today.  Ya I wore shower shoes.  And ya I cut it somewhat short so I wouldn't have to listen to chief bitch about taking all his hot water.  And for the first time in a week I managed to languish in a hot shower and scrub with total confidence and comfort.  The only thing that was missing was a rubber ducky.

The things we take for granted huh?  And the way perspective coerces conceptions of normalcy.  It's just life.  Just living it.  The dream, as it were.  I may be coming unhinged.  Is it a sign of questionable mental health or a robust mental health to be so far out of the norm?  Whatever the case, I have not changed much in a very different environment from that which I am accustomed.

I have been this way.  I remain this way.  I am still nearly impervious to boredom and alarmingly resilient to sub-standard conditions.  Sixteen hour shifts in the -25 degree freezer?  Sure.  Living on a big ol' boat with no cable?  Why not?  I mean, really I kind of like it.  I wake up and smell the sea air.  The cityscape of Seattle, which is a beautiful city, greets me anew each day.  I have even romanticized the corporate and modern iteration of seafaring into some likeness of the shwashbucklers of years long past.  Just neurotic, I guess. 

That last line reminds me of my mom, who would often times describe herself thus, "I'm so neurotic."  Uh-oh.  But what else could be going on here?  This isn't a cry for help or anything, but maybe an awakening to the playing field's geometry.  In golf, you play the ball as it lies in the absence of a foot wedge. 

And here, we have a bit of a dodgy lie.  But it can be made to work.  Did I mention the movie?  Oh yes, I did.  If ever there were a place for neurosis, it's in writing a tale.  I've been doing some outlining.  And some movie watching with renewed interest.  I've decided I want this thing to be just very watchable.  And amusing.  Like most dreams and whimsical fantasies, my first notions of this project were all the huge stars and gag after gag and a huge budget et cetera. 

The real deal is going to be just a fun and interesting perspective.  And gags.  And stars.  And my wit.  Cause let me tell you, not to brag or anything, but my wit kept this boat afloat last season.  That's not just me talking.  The factory manager and some others shared similar sentiments.  One reviewer says, "working with Corey makes the day go by hella faster!".  Another exclaims, "You crack me up!"  The ice wench said simply, "Wow!  You are amazing!".  See?  Already glowing reviews. 

So it's gonna start like this.  During the opening credits over a black screen you will hear mumbled Islamic prayers.  Then over that a beat box.  It will sound like a song (This happened, by the way).  The scene is going to open up in a conference room where we are having the orientation and while the prayer-song fades slightly, you will hear a recruiter, Selena-not to be confused with "Serena" say "Here at United States Fish (not to be confused with American Seafoods) we are sensitive to other religions and cultures."  She will say this all optimistically while the camera pans around the room at a diverse group.

She will continue "Can anyone tell me what it means to be sensitive to other cultures?"  And the camera will show painfully bored people enduring the orientation.  A hand will go up and the music will stop.  A man of indeterminate age and likely African heritage will say "If my religion is Rastafarian, can I smoke the herbs on the boot?"  Selena will tactfully acknowledge that there is a zero tolerance drug policy and the camera will pan to a strung out looking white guy and flashback to a party scene at a strip club where he is clearly enjoying illicit drugs. 

Then it will snap to present time with Selena droning on about the rules.  Each rule will be flagrantly broken in a flashback scene of a different member of the crew.  Not to get into it and write the whole movie impromptu here, but one such flashback will happen when she says no firearms on the boat.  It will flashback on a scene at a firing range with a wild eyed asiatic fellow named Robert, who has a southern accent, emptying the magazine on his police issue Glock and firing it empty repeatedly even after the ammo is gone and the gun is clicking.  His rage will subside and it will show him packing this gun into a travel bag and going to orientation.

So we won't wear it out, but there will be a few scenes of similar taste.  Then when she says that there is a zero tolerance policy on alcohol as well, it will show a middle aged man sipping from a flask and putting it into his back pocket.  The camera will not jump in time here, but rather follow this guy into the doorway of the conference room where Selena says, "Oh hi there!  This is your captain, Barry."  He gives a half hearted salute and burps...

Is that not just gold?  It's all in fun and none of these people necessarily correlate with their real life counter parts.  It's just artistic liberty.  But they do say reality is stranger than fiction.  Just saying.  Anyway, that was just to set the tone.  Just a kind of against the grain, motley crue, excuse me, crew.  It'll kind of build up into a situation where everyone leaves the orientation feeling uneasy.  Then there will be the crew up, people getting to know each other, character introduction etc.  And then the fun will begin with everyone getting seasick on the steam up.

And the stage will be set for the All-Star work ethic we all got to know and love.  The point will be driven home about all the red necks on the boat and the many Africans.  The fishing will be just crappy, so a mutiny will be afoot.  The mutiny will, of course, be my idea.  Except I will be mostly kidding.  Some of the others won't be.  After fishing yellow fin for a month or so and having only made something on the order of 500 dollars a couple guys will get to their breaking point and sneak up to the wheel house independently from, but simultaneous to each other.

 One person will be the Asiatic cop fellow and another will be Ahmed, who I named the Egyptian Magician.  His flashback scene is going to be him sneaking semtex onto the boat in the face of the no explosives rule.  Yes, that is in the handbook.  Ahmed is a cheery and eccentric fellow who just got mixed up with a few terrorist types before coming aboard.  Anyway, he and Robert, the Asiatic fellow will for sure get to the wheel house at the same time.  They will find the captain with an eye patch, stuffed parrot, and bottle of rum.  Maybe a cutlass too.

Everyone will look at each other and ask 'what are you doing here'?  A three way argument will ensue.  The captain will then get a call from the home office and inexplicably pacify the explosive wielding Ahmed and well armed Robert by shushing them to take a call.  The captain will flip his eye patch up and get out of character for the call, sounding again like the reasonable man we all know him to be.  He nods solemnly a few times and says, "I understand."  He hangs up the phone and says to the two would be mutineers, "We're fishing cod!"  (Cod pays far more).

Somehow, this makes them happy and they leave like nothing ever happens.  After seeing them out over his shoulder, the captain again flips his eye patch down and mutters something piratey like 'barnacle breaths'. 

Ya, taking over the boat wasn't even the climax.  We get cod and go off-load.  Get a few gags going in Dutch about the hooker cab drivers.  And take on a few new people.  Do another trip with some gags and shenanigans, like when nap time took my size thirteen right boot and put it on his left foot.  And was being totally serious about it. 

I think the point of the movie, or journey is the love affair between the ice wench and the freezer guy.  People are growing.  People are getting introspective about their lives.  It ends happily, with the captain running off with the Somalian, Adam, who knows all about piracy and is in a position to help Barry fulfill his boyhood dreams.  He is leading a Ship full of Somali Pirates and speaking not a word of the language.  Robert, who revealed that his dream job would be to run a day care gets one, according to the plans that he, my character, and ice wench laid out. 

This is based on a funny scene that actually happened.  At one point early on last season, I asked the guy in the freezer with me what job he would have on the boat if he could have any job, even if he made it up.  I forget what he said.  I think he wanted to be the gigilo for the insatiable seawomen that didn't exist.  This was still totally within the rules as I said he could make it up.  Well played.  I said I would want to be the pianist.  So we came up into the factory and I asked Robert, the Asiatic guy from Lousiana with a southern accent, "Hey Robbie, if you could have any job on the boat, even if you made it up, what would it be?"  I swear he said, "I'd wanna run a day care.  You know?  For kids?"  I kinda nudged him along by saying, "No, Robbie.  Any job on the boat.  But you could make it up."  He said, and I quote, "Oh.  Well...I'd paint this summumabitch black and take over other boats and make their crew process our fish."  That actually happened people.  I can't make this up.

Just a priceless transition from loving day care owner to pirate.  I gotta stop here.  This is getting way too long.  But these are just a few ideas.  I think they are gold.  And there are way more.  We did so many movie references.  StarWars in the freezer when Zac and I got pissed at the case up guys.  Lethal Weapon, Die Hard.  Rocky 4 and 2.  I sang songs.  There was some nastiness from one of the girls.  A tiny guy we made go through the conveyor to unclog it.  Nicknames for the prospective mutineers.  Wow.  I can't wait to get this together.

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