I'm in the most mind numbing, groundhog day like, un-satisfying perpetuation of a caricature of life imaginable. I would be hesitant to say these things, but as Harry Doyle would say, "who gives a shit? No one is listening anyway." So, since neither my boss nor anyone else will read this, why not?
Understand, it's not torturous. Or murderous. It's mind numbing. I've always been good at pretending things don't hurt. I've always been good at continuing on when I don't feel like it. I can't help but think, however, that I could be doing far more useful things. I continue to believe that in the long run, this is the useful thing. Taking that humble pie to the grill and wearing it. I am wearing it. I slept for twenty minutes last night and as six am rolled around, I was considering playing hookey.
My pops would have been all for it. But pops isn't here. And the voice in the back of my mind said to not back down. And another one is in the books. I said that it wasn't misery, and meant it. What it is is mind numbing. My favorite place to live is in my mind. I can go anywhere and do anything upstairs. Whether it's healthy or not to have so much fun with your own thoughts, I'm not sure. But that's the lay. And I can't play it when my mind is numbed by the tasks I've been engaged in. Sadly, the self reflection I sought is not found. Only the cycle of putting one foot in front of the other is my existence at this point. Whatever's clever. Hopefully something good will happen either in my head or the outside world soon.