Saturday, April 30, 2011


I've been laying low lately, and why not?  But there is something worth note.  I'll scribble a few lines about it.  Cats suck.

Clearly, not all cats suck.  And those that do suck suck to a greater or lesser degree than others.  Let's be real though.  When it comes to pets, cats kinda suck.  It's important to bear in mind that last qualifier, "when it comes to pets", because in a general sense, cats are cool.  They have cool eyes.  Big brothers and sisters are the absolute coolest of the animal kingdom, whether Tiger, Liger, or Leopard.  They are athletic and have a cool strut.  In terms of personality and loyalty, however, they get a zero.

Cats just walk around oblivious to any other being's feelings or well being.  The whole of their motivation boils down to two things.  They are "look at me" and "what do I want?".

Whether wanted or unwanted, a cat will crawl on you at any time of their choosing.  This happened literally twenty times the other night.  I'm reading a book and the cat crawls in my lap.  I leave her there and ignore her after a few pets.  She then crawled up onto my chest and neck.  I picked her up and set her down next to me with a light rebuke, "Nope".  She went through the drill again.  Twenty times.  If she's astute enough to react to my disinterest by crawling up my neck when I don't pay attention, then she should be smart enough to get the hint.  That's the thing, though, cats don't get hints because the notion of someone trying to tell them something never crosses their mind.  Just total disinterest.

So, on another occasion, I humored her and let her hang for a while since there was no obvious coercion on her part to my activity.  I petted her.  She kinda purred.  I thought, "well, here is a little interaction".  Ya, well she contorted herself around and bit me.  Little bitch.  So I bit her back.  Only then did she scram, but not without clawing me on her supersonic exit.  Cats are fast.

Apart from the physical abuse, she does everything in her power to mess up the house, just getting into toilet paper, clawing furniture, and otherwise rearranging the things that are within her power to rearrange.  "Oh she's so cute.  Look at her cute little cat like ways.  Hahaha."  Nope.  She's the devil.

I went to brush my teeth.  Hadn't seen or heard from the cat in hours.  Welp, right about the time I grabbed my toothbrush, she materializes out of thin air and plops down in the sink.  Really cat?  You just happened to want to lay in the sink right now?  Coincidentally?  Just now is a good time to curl up in the sink?  Cats in the sink are fair game as far as I'm concerned, so I turned the water on.  She even big leagued that.  Didn't jump, or frantically skedaddle.  Just kinda looked at me and calmly walked away, plotting my death, I'm sure.  And after brushing my teeth, she curled up next to me on the couch and slowly began to climb me, purring the whole time.  I had to extricate her from my face with great care because she's demonstrated a free spirit when it comes to the claws.

It goes on and on.  I know this is pointless and not a very good accounting for the first blog in weeks.  But you know what?  The freaking cat sucks.  And sadly, I still kinda like her and feel somewhat special when she climbs on me and purrs.  She's basically the hot chick that goes on dates with you when she's bored and will use you for your body when it suits her purposes, but will never call or take initiative.  She doesn't do the little things to make you feel special.  It's only during those times when you happen to be in her way and she wants affection that you get a little fix, and your desire for closeness sated.  So whatever cat.  I'll survive with or without you.  I wish she'd call me.  I'm feeling lonely.


ghostcatchronicles said...

Written like a true cat owner. I have three of the fluffy little apathetic bastards and there are times I think fondly of catskin rugs.

I do have a small Super Soaker that works wonderfully as a cat repellent, if I sit it on the couch beside me none of the cats will bother me.

Cwatts said...

Ha! I have a squirt bottle I use. And the cat isn't mine, it belongs to the friend I'm staying with. I thought you'd find it off putting, glad to see a cat lover agree with me.

Jaz said...

I was going to write something but cats scare me and I don't want any of 'em waiting me when I go outside in the morning.

Cwatts said...

That's a very rational fear Jaz. What I've learned, however, is that cats don't care enough about anything to acknowledge your hatred. You could totally make faces at them and call them names and it wouldn't matter.