Friday, May 6, 2011

Cats still suck

This is almost right, but a cat would watch the victim drown, then chase the butterfly
So cats still suck.

But cats always do
Just a few illustrations to progress the concept.
Yep.  This is the one, especially if I'm trying to type something
I swear, this cat could, in the words of my father, "fuck up a wet dream."  I hate cussing on here, but in this case I excused myself by quoting dad.  This little feline f word ruins everything to the best of her ability.  And like watches you while she does it.  Literally as I was writing that sentence, she just starting clawing the living hell out of the chair I am sitting in all the while looking at me.  Think she responded to "no"?  Of course not.  So I punched her in her little kitty kidney.  See?  I didn't punch her in her little kitty kidney.  And I won't.  But oh the glory of just letting her have it.

But I don't abuse animals.  I'll tell you though, that it's been fourth down and I've been in field goal range a couple times with this cat.  The conditions wouldn't allow me to kick the field goal, but it was on the table.  I'm tempted in the most profound ways dealing with this damn cat.  Everything is a potential tool for retribution.  Got an airsoft gun.  Think I haven't chambered a round and taken aim before?  Think again.  Oh, I have.  But I always wuss out.  I'll tell you what.  If this damn cat crawled into a dryer, the door would find itself shut and the air fluff cycle engaged.

But that's the thing with this hell cat.  It's like a mutant virus or something.  You know how people squirt their cats to keep them at bay?  Ya?  Well this damn creature is impervious to water.  I hosed her down like a burning pile of money the other day and she didn't flinch.  I though I had a nice opportunity to teach a lesson when she crawled in the sink, conveniently, as I went to brush my teeth.  Turned the water on, and like Megamind, found my maniacal laughter to be premature.  She shrugged it off like it was nothing.

She knocks everything over.  Just noise.  Knock the screen door off of it's track and over.  Noise.  And a bent sliding screen door.  Knocks the screen for the kitchen window out.  Noise.  And I gotta get the cat as well as replace the screen.  It's like "Bitch!  If there is a screen in the way, you don't get to go out there!"  Nope.  Has no meaning to her.  She's just like, "meow".  Oh, that covers it.  Guess we're good then. Meow.  Give me a break.

And in case any think this is just some anomalous bastardized mutant cat, being significantly different from the population at large, think again.  Anyone ever hear of a cat saving a drowning anything?  No?  Waking a sleeping homeowner in a fire?  No?  Doing anything cool at all, other than just looking like a miniature tiger?  No?  Of course not.  In the history of civilization, there has not once been an instance of a cat doing anything productive.

Finally, the Egyptians were big on cats, right?  Ya, well they enslaved my people to build stupid pyramids.  That's probably the curse that follows the cat to this day.  "Hey Pharoah, think we can let my peeps get out of here?"  "Meow"  "Oh, so no then?"  "How about after some frogs and stuff come out of the sky?"  "Meeoooow".  And on it went until Egypt was a shambles.  And they have only just now had revolution.  Yet the cat remains my nemesis.  "Woof!  Sucka!"

This is a cool animal.  Give me one of these any day

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